BETRAYER OF MY HEART (based on a true life story)

 Jacob and I had been friends right from our childhood. He was always there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on, a special favour or someone to celebrate with. He always put me first, and no one else. He was my best friends. We hung out together. We were always together. He was my “bestie”.

I knew I always loved Jacob secretly but I disguised it under the canopy of “just best friends”, Jacob was much more than a best friend to me. When we grew up we couldn’t hide what we had for each other. Well we weren’t actually dating. We were having an affair. We’d have certain specific and sensual encounters I’d rather not say, but it was nothing more.

Everything was going well until Matthew came into the picture. It was love at first sight with Matthew. Matthew was special. He made everyone around him feel special too. He was everything a woman would want in a man. He was tall, thick, dark, with a smile that could make anyone stop and stare. And he was rich, so much richer than Jacob. I knew I was wrong for falling in love with Matthew and still leading Jacob on. I loved them both. I just couldn’t choose and I didn’t want to lose any of them.

Two months into my relationship with Matthew I couldn’t continue with Jacob. I had to break up with him. Everything was perfect now. I had the person I loved. I loved Matthew so much and he loved me too I guess. We were perfect for each other.

Matthew and I went out to eat. Matthew didn’t really touch his food. He seemed offended by something.

“Matthew? What’s wrong?” I asked with a mouth full of some fancy food.

“Who is Jacob?” he said with a straight face and his eyes fixed directly on mine.

My heart skipped a beat. Jacob. How the hell did he know Jacob?

“I know many Jacobs so please be more specific” I said trying not to sound guilty.

“Jacob Floyd.”

Yes. He was really asking about Jacob.

“I don’t know who you’re talking about”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Can we get back to eating now?”

“Okay”

Phew! That went well. I silently prayed that would be the end but no. He asked about Jacob everyday and of course, I denied.

A certain day, I guess Matthew couldn’t take it anymore. He asked me to meet him at a coffee shop. When I got there he didn’t even wait for us to exchange pleasantries. He asked again immediately we sat down who Jacob was but this time he held out his phone showing me a screenshot. He got access to my chats with Jacob.

“Fine Jacob is my ex” I said plainly.

“I would have believed that if you had said it the first time I asked you but you completely denied him so I had to investigate deeper. The dates here show that these texts were exchanged even while we were still dating!” Matthew was really angry. He raised his voice at me.

“Do you still love him”

Did I still love him? Of course not. Matthew was the only man I loved.

“I’m sorry Matthew. I’m really sorry”

“You cheated on me after I gave you everything!,”

“But that was long before we got committed.” I pleaded.

“Cheating is cheating and it is unforgivable. I can’t marry a cheating woman!”

“Matthew! How many times have I caught you with a woman? How many times have you come crawling on your knees begging me? I forgave you every time!”

Matthew was always with some other woman. He loved women a whole lot.

“I’m a man! You should know I can’t help it!”

“I don’t want to ever see you again. It’s over between us. Go meet your Jacob”

Without further argument and tear filled eyes I walked out of the coffee shop and out of Matthew's life. I always forgave him but he couldn’t forgive me just this once. Just once. That wasn’t fair. I left someone who loved me truly for someone who didn’t even value me. Slowly and slowly, I crept into an imaginary cave. I became a shadow of myself. I was beyond heartbroken. I concluded that I was someone who wasn’t worth anything. I didn’t care anymore. I stopped believing in love.

THE DAY I WILL NEVER FORGET (A love story)

     It happened a long time ago but it remains evergreen in my memory. The day I will never forget.  

     I had always loved Jacob. What was there not to love about him. He was tall and had broad shoulders. His biceps were thick and so was every visible muscle on his body. He had deep brown eyes that seemed to turn black when you stare at them for too long. His face was smooth and spotless although a few wrinkles appeared around his eyes and at the edge of his lips whenever he smiled. Still he was handsome. He was the perfect example of a male figure. He was calm and intelligent. A good friend to all. Saying I loved Jacob wouldn’t be special because everyone loved Jacob. But what I felt for him was different. I fell in love with him from the moment he rescued me from drowning at the beach. I knew how to swim quite well I just don’t get how it happened. I was under water and all of a sudden I couldn’t swim up to the surface. I tried hard but I just couldn’t. I was loosing my breath and slipping into unconsciousness when I felt a strong arm pull me out of the water and unto dry land. I coughed out all the water that had gotten inside me. I was attended to and told to rest. At the end of the day I realised I hadn’t thanked my saviour. I began to look for him when I didn’t even remember what he looked like.

“Looking for me?” a deep masculine voice said softly from behind me.

“What would make you think that?” I said, a little woozy from his soft breath on my neck as he walked closer to me still behind me.

“Well I risked my life for you and you haven’t thanked me.

“Well thank you and yes, I was looking for you” I said finally turning around to see his face. He was beautiful!

I discovered that Jacob lived in my neighbourhood. I’d see him everyday, I guess he never saw me.

On this faithful day I got a call from a strange number. The voice that followed was quite familiar.

“Hello”

“Hey, who is it?” I asked

“It’s your saviour” the voice said with a chuckle.

My knees trembled at the vibration and huskiness of this deep male voice. It was Jacob.

“I’m outside your house” he added.

Impossible! I ran towards the door immediately and opened the door almost bumping into Jacob. He was really there. My cheeks flushed red with embarrassment as I led him in.

“I was passing by and I decided to drop by” he said as he smiled.

“How did you know I live here?” I asked quite surprised.

“I see you everyday, you just don’t see me”

If only he knew.

“Janet, I've always wanted to talk to you but…I…I've been scared”

Scared? Why was he scared?

“You see Janet. From the day I pulled you out of the water my heart hasn’t rested.”

Wait what?

He walked up to me, very close that I could feel his hard chest brush against my breasts. I could feel his breath all over my body even though it was only on my neck. His hands brushed my hairline as he said the words I always craved for.

“I love you Janet”

My heart raced, I could hear nothing but my own heart beat. Lost in my thoughts I didn’t realise how close his face was to mine and in a split second. He kissed me. His kiss was the sweetest thing I’d ever tasted. It was soft, warm and piercing.

His hands worked magic on parts of my body I didn’t even know existed. I wanted him right there and then. Before I could tell him how much I wanted him, he stopped. He quickly took three steps away from me and said,

“I’m sorry”

Sorry for what?

Without thinking I blurted out “I love you too Jacob. I always did and I want you now.” That was dumb but I didn’t even care.

 He picked me up in his arms and did things to me that I can not describe but truly that was a day I will never forget.

MY PERSONALITIES AND I

Have you ever wondered about the mystery behind the change in personality that occurs to you? I mean, this moment you're this person and the next moment it feels you're a totally different human.

It's definitely something my human mind can't fathom, really.

For me, I feel like I'm living so many personalities, it just changes like "switch-switch". Funny, yeah?

To be honest, I find it funny because I can't even control my other "selves". It kinda feel like I'm many living inside me.

Living like this is more scarier than we think actually. Sometimes I ask myself; why so many me, why so many personalities in just this body, why do I have to switch at any time. Truth be told, I find it hard living this way.

When I'm outside, I act as though I'm cool, I act as the happy me while deep down I'm busy trying to suppress the sad and true personality in me from surfacing. The me that actually needs saving.

How am I even living and coping with so many personalities in me? I try questioning God, always. Why so many personalities in just me? Can't I just get one personality? I try questioning Him(God), again.

Life's pretty much harder and messed up than I imagined, oh how I sometimes wish I could be a toddler again!

TIME

Time has changed me. And to my surprise, I have become more patient. I react less. I absorb more. I have learned to live with silence. Earlier, so many things used to bother me. And I used to overreact. I used to feel this constant urge to take on the world. Whenever anyone did any wrong, I used to get triggered and blast off. I used to think that since I had a good heart, I could say whatever I want. But with time, I realized that it hurts me only. I waste my time and emotions on people and things that don't deserve this. I have started to put more value on my time now. Don’t force myself on people no more and It has taken a lot of frustration and screams away.

I no more seek to change people or things. I just float in my own space at my own pace. If I feel anyone is not vibing with me the way I’m vibing with the person I just take a walk. I don't force my ideas,myself and my demands on people anymore. I just stay myself. I don't expect people to join me. It matters less to me whether I am the only one who feels a particular way. And this has made my life a calm heaven. Yes, calmness, I mean I was such a crazy mess. I used to have these thousand things running on my mind constantly. But now, I have this zen-like peace in my head. I talk to very few people on the phone. I text even fewer people. I don't meet many new people too.

In a way, I have understood life now. We don't live a common social life. We live a very personal life. The more intimately we live our life, the more peace we will bring to our souls. The more we go into the social circus, the more empty we leave our soul. So, this time has made me look inward. And, it's beautiful. Try it.